Select Page

THE OLIVE GARDEN: WHY TRAVEL 5,000 MILES AROUND THE WORLD WHEN YOU CAN JUST UBER TO TUNNEL RD. FOR AN AUTHENTIC ITALIAN EXPERIENCE?

Olive Garden culinary review of terrible food

This Olive Garden has been in business for 23 years. The last time I was here was in high school.

Aaargh Olive Garden food Ziosk!

Of the numerous competitive traits Olive Garden employs, the name of their game is convenience.

Hayley Lampkin does Olive Garden

Hayley actually drove us here but an Uber ride from Italy is only $17,029, though I would recommend waiting for surge pricing to drop.

11219319_10154099714887451_613803871361576296_n

They had me at “Everything but the kitchen sink!”

12993512_10154099714967451_5524861447484170556_n

The centerpiece of the interior design was this skylight for easy access to the heavens if you drop dead.

12963404_10154099714982451_5217035149850245915_n

Brutus greets you as you enter and exit the bathroom.

12985472_10154099715007451_2280584585146084926_n

We scored seats at the bar. Our server was Stacey and a total sweetheart. She’s been with the company for 16 years, owns Olive Garden stock, and has a 401(k). Not bad for the times.

12936765_10154099715037451_2431991034609584179_n

Wine goggles are paired with every meal.

12986992_10154099715117451_3783606601302409009_n

Behold! We discovered the single greatest advancement in technology, sure to beat any Turing test, the eternal envy of sloth: the Ziosk, a convenient electronic kiosk for convenient ordering of drinks, food, and entertainment, conveniently located on every table.

12963801_10154099715122451_1054180981951281268_n

Our Ziosk at the bar, however, was not functioning properly. We could play unlimited games on it for $1.99 but not order food. We were given another one for our inconvenience. Other idiosyncrasies included the ability to order appetizers and desserts but not entrees. For alcoholic beverages we had to order with Stacey first, then were given the option to reorder on the Ziosk. Here is Hayley drafting a letter of complaint to be emailed later.

13010885_10154099715142451_8319853832670304700_n

Endless in every way.

12938213_10154099715157451_3998944039983683189_n

I placed my napkin on the lap of my sweatpants.

12991044_10154099715237451_3890196314434104188_n

This wine was not too bad.

12987093_10154099715242451_4202629080696125258_n

I ordered a Jameson on the rocks—first with Stacey—then later with Stacey again because I forgot to use the Ziosk.

12963842_10154099715262451_3981222009597631792_n

Another OG convenience was the “Buy One, Take One” offer. You start with unlimited soup or salad and breadsticks, then you enjoy a meal at the restaurant, then you get another meal to take home. Premium entrees are available for an additional price.

12974489_10154099715267451_5985373752094224487_n

We ordered the Sampler Italiano and selected the fried mozzarella, crispy risotto bites, and fried beef ravioli.

8367_10154099715367451_4676297899024355161_n

I wanted to order six plates to see if Stacey would bring us all six but was vetoed at the last second.

13010868_10154099715357451_3897064164636713015_n

No, Ziosk. Thank you.

8366_10154099715397451_2136112275113278270_n

The real secret to Olive Garden is the endless showers of grated cheese.

12985364_10154099715392451_7460364723835510764_n

I wanted to play Vajazzle 1.

12963841_10154099715567451_2937505649293952678_n

Golden brown Sampler Italiano.

12974475_10154099715582451_8676108359672010986_n

Just like in Tuscany.

12961577_10154099715622451_6569117504941169753_n

Balls.

12963578_10154099715752451_1498073201879208574_n

We split the meat lasagna and I ordered extra cheese showers.

13010649_10154099715742451_4189373993315917425_n

In all seriousness this is perfect drunk food.

12936717_10154099715767451_5196216268446304909_n

My best Chef Boyardee impression.

13007167_10154099715792451_7534349762872668430_n

The tiramisu was creamy and subtly sweet.

13000353_10154099715882451_2527305211046472484_n

Stacey told us some people didn’t like the Ziosk, that it marred the one-on-one interaction with the server. I say who doesn’t want yet another way for credit card skimmers to steal your identity?

12963483_10154099715862451_6356793203849594051_n

Tip your servers 20% at minimum.

12991050_10154099715902451_8768199626820089999_n

Waiting…

12993417_10154099716007451_8621266778245637997_n

It worked!

12985418_10154099716027451_8562498686582570192_n

As a child the Ziosk would’ve been a marvel to me.

12963458_10154099716157451_5801190076460385883_n

How’s the new season of Broad City? I need to watch it.

12963563_10154099716037451_5336308002554256682_n

A lighted path graced our exit…

12987017_10154099714437451_5237301801588468657_n

…along with this sign which I think translates to “Suckers!”

PS. For further reading check out this location’s Google reviews. They include comments from a six-foot giant that doesn’t like to bend over when eating, a hypoglycemic who ended up at Applebee’s, and someone who demanded reservations be implemented for their future visits.

— Paul

 

Olive Garden Italian Kitchen
121 Tunnel Rd.
Asheville, NC 28805
(828) 255-9887